Confused about relationship...need advice from married/divorced women.?

My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties and we will have lived together for a year in November. Our two year mark is in March of next year. He is a really great person, has a kind heart, is very honest, and would never cheat or do anything to hurt me. However, he is not ambitious, is stuck in a job he hates (doesn't make a lot of money and puts up with a lot of BS from management), and does not do anything to change his situation. He will have been with the company for two years in January 2010. He always talks about doing other things with his life, but never acts.





Additionally, he is very sloppy. Currently some of his clothes are laying on the living room floor. I have talked to him a BILLION plus times about picking up after himself to no avail. He will wash the dishes or take out the trash if I ask him to.





He is relatively clueless about finances, so I handle the bills. We have two cats, whom I clean up after and take care of, even though I mention that I'd like him to help out with them. Most of the time I feel like he's a toddler that I'm taking care of, not a partner.





My MAIN concern is his lack of ambition. I have plans of working and moving up, but he doesn't express similar goals in that area.





My big question is this:





Is it wrong to break up with someone, who is a great person, but may not be financially responsible/stable? I don't want to sound like a gold digger, because I work hard and I make my own money. Two months ago I thought I was going to marry this guy, and now I think I need someone that isn't so irresponsible and unconcerned with living a comfortable life.





Am I wrong or do I have legitimate concerns?





Thanks in advance for your help.Confused about relationship...need advice from married/divorced women.?
What you see is what you get.





And if having no ambition to better himself is high on your list, nice guy or no nice guy, this man isn't the one you want.





In a sentence or two, great relationships are The Four Biggies..... Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust.





You for sure have the last two for him. But what about the first two?





Are you willing to settle for 50%.





You write well, likely very educated. To women like you, brains, ambition, and education, are sexy. And they are the things bright women like.





In your place, the mess isn't the problem... guys just aren't very tidy. They may indeed lift up the toilet seat, but they still pee all over it, and the floor, and we, as their wives, still clean it up.





But frankly, opting to stay with a guy with no ambition wouldn't be anything I'd be able to have much passion for, for very long, and for sure wouldn't admire, nor respect a guy like that for very long.





You asked.Confused about relationship...need advice from married/divorced women.?
I think if you have tried talking to him about things then he is obviously not gonna change. i think you have a right not to settle for less then what you want and atleast you can get out while your still just boyfriend and girlfriend* good luck
If his behavior bothers you now, just consider how much his lack of ambition would bother you if you had children and he was still sloppy and showing no interest in improving his life, If you think that you would rather be with someone who is more in line with your goals, then I would leave now
It is time for you to move on. You can marry him but the situation will never change.


It sounds like you have talked until your blue in the face but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I was in a marriage similar to your relationship. It didn't happen until after we married. It lasted only 5 years and we had children together. When someone behaves in such a manner, it makes the relationship sour. You need to have the same goals in life in order to make the relationship work. You've done your best. Its time. The best of luck to you.
Your concerns are VERY legitimate. You are considering spending your ENTIRE LIFE with this person. If you have serious reservations about him, then you absolutely should not marry him. Things like this tend not to change after marriage; if anything they get worse over time.





Case in point: I got married at the age of 28 to husband no. 1. I had serious reservations about the marriage because, although he was attractive, kind and intelligent in his way, he was very boring. I married him anyway because I figured I was getting along in years and it was time to settle down. Fifteen years, two kids, and probably a hundred therapy sessions later, we divorced. We were so badly matched that we just made each other miserable.





So in my mid-40s I was back on the market. What did I do? I made up a list of qualities that any potential partner had to have. I did not question whether it was ';ok'; to demand these qualities...by then I knew that when I'm talking about my life, I get to say what I want and need! If I didn't find it, fine, but I wasn't going to settle, never again. Long story short I did find the guy of my dreams and am very happy in my second marriage (going on 4 years now).





So....never sell yourself short. You are only in your mid-twenties. Throw this one back. You're really better off getting this right the first time.
Well, first of all you don't sound like a gold digger. Second, it's okay for you to have high expectations. You have goals and want your future husband to have them too. what if you do stay with him and get married and are unhappy the rest of your life. maybe it would be best to end it now and pursue your goals and you will meet men with high goals too. When you surround yourself with positive hard working people your life will improve.
That's the way things went with my parents. My mom has always taken care of dad, cleaned up after him, put up with his 'little faults', and she is MISERABLE. He loves milking it for all it's worth, and is now unemployed, because he doesn't ';want to work so hard'; anymore. He drove a bus. He has no respect for her, and takes responsibility for NOTHING, but expects to reap all the benefits, and have first say on everything, and spend mom's hard-earned money on himself.


She should have gotten out long ago, and so should you.
Quit being an enabler. You are bright enough to know that you want to be with a man who values moving up in this world. I think you are just scared to take the leap. Tell your man (with all sincerity) that you want to be with someone who will hold his own. Have a list ready of what qualities you value and maybe an outline of where you want to be in the next 5, 10 years.
I'm in a similar situation. I have been married to a man for 10 years, whom I still love, but it drives me crazy that he seems to have no ambition or any thought for the future at all. I feel like we are friends instead of partners in life and I wonder every day if it's the best thing for both of us. Basically I can't trust him to be a man and take responsibility for things.


I suggest you have some serious conversations with him now. If you're not headed in the same direction as a couple, then someone must act in some way.


Just think about the things you are willing to accept, and the things that you really want out of life. Don't break up for the wrong reasons, but you must do what will make you happiest in the long run.
Any problems you have in your relationship are not likely to change if you get married. I do not think you are a gold digger, I think you are acting maturely by trying to think ahead. However, no one is perfect. If you can accept these characteristics then fine. If not, you are not doing him any favors by staying with him, because you are not happy with him.
Your concerns a valid. If these things are bothering you, he needs to hear them from you. If he refuses or gets upset when you try to talk to him, then the openness is at a standstill. If you're afraid to talk to him about things that might upset him, then your relationship will suffer. Make him hear you, whether he wants to hear it or not. After you finally have a heart to heart, you'll know where you stand. Then you can decide what your next move is. Listen to your gut..it will guide you. Hope this helps.....
You are not wrong to break up with someone who isn't someone you can picture yourself making a life with.





If you don't feel that the two of you have similar goals, if you don't respect him, if you resent the things you have to do for him... then it doesn't sound like you are going to be happy. Don't waste your life on someone you aren't happy with. Break up now rather than getting married and then realizing you don't want to be with him.
OMG...your boyfriend sounds like my husband!!


I was in the same and still in the same problem....been with him for 5 years and not even married for a year. I stayed with him because I have been so hurt before, at least I can trust him! He plays video games all day, does not even try with the bills but he does help pay for them, he does have a really great job, after a terrible job where he too was being walked all over, but prayer will take care of that for you both for it did for us. And like you, I was questioning marrying him before I did. I almost moved out one time, but I couldn't do it. We have two cats also....now we have two dogs. He helped clean but I always did the litter box and that is why we got ride of them,,,,even though I loved them both sooo much, but it was too much for me.





So did I make a mistake for not leaving him? I don't know? Would things be better if I had? I don't know? Do I love him, Yes.....he pisses me off, yes, he can be very selfish, but he is really a good person, lazy yes....but he is not my clay to mold and he is not my child....I just do what I have to do in my life and I am learning to let God take care of him and mold him into the man that he needs to become for our future family.





Do not let the devil lie to you and tell you though that there is no better out there, because there is.....and it really might not hurt to let him go and tell him to clean up his life and become a man so you and him can have a real relationship...





but I do have to tell you one more thing, and one thing that I learned also.....it is the age....we are both in are mid-twenties and man are very immature for their ages....right know he would be living on his own acting the same way, so he is getting out of his system.





I wish I could tell you that he is doing better, but the only differences between you and I, is that I did marry that man you are thinking about marrying.....and I have just learn to let it go and pray that he will grow up to be a great man under Christ Jesus and God.





It will happen, I am hopeful........But are there other man that I could have been just as sweet with a drive to do things in their lifes...





God wanted us together, I do love him so very much and he loves me very much too, but I cant answer that for you......





Think along and hard and pray about it!





I am going to school and keeping my drive alive!





Good luck and God Bless!